In recent years, my inner circle has tried to convince myself that I am afraid of engagement. I fought these wild accusations with the following argument:
"Um, that's nonsense. Do you want to know why? Because I've been fully committed to AT&T Wireless for the past 6 years and I'm completely satisfied. So, suck it."
Then I breathe in another cupcake as I watch another episode of “Sex and the City” with my hand in the air and “preach, Carrie! Sermons! "How crumbs go everywhere.
(Maybe that's why I'm single?)
Fear of engagement, what a joke. The only thing I'm afraid of is fear itself … and whales. Definitely whales. Even needles.
In the past few months, however, I have started to look at my entire life, which unfortunately includes all dating errors of the past 10 years, and have realized that I may have a problem.
I call this problem "press 30 and still be single".
I always thought that I was the kind of girl who "loved". I yearned for the comfort that a relationship would bring and thought I was the victim of bad luck or I was just a "shower magnet".
I couldn't be more wrong.
Over the past few years, I've been dating a few people, had a serious relationship that lasted a whopping 4 months and had more internet data than I want to share, all with the same bottom line: I'm alone. Now I could easily blame the men because they obviously don't see what a total catch I am, but after breaking down the similarities of these guys (and also breaking up a couple of bottles of wine to deal with the situation ), I realized that I am the problem.
I tend to meet men who are emotionally (and sometimes geographically) unavailable. Oh you live 3,000 miles away? Do you have baby mom drama? Not sure where your life is going? Do you need a strong woman who will come to terms with your shit, but only by text? Are you in transition? REGISTER ME AND BRING YOUR BAGGAGE.
How an intelligent, successful and not as bad looking woman like me ends up under these circumstances is a mystery to me. The only thing I have to blame is the following:
If I never fully commit myself, I will never be hurt. I can avoid the impending fate of separation. I can stay safe. If I know the guy I'm talking to doesn't play with a full deck, I can partially end the relationship and never feel bad when it ends, and I don't have to add him to my favorites list on my list iPhone . Everyone wins.
I fear the idea that a man actually likes me for me: that he finds me irresistible because I'm a catch. The thought of a man who wants to put his whole life to work for me because I deserve it is terrifying. Am I the only one doing this? Who pushes away from perfectly nice boys and chooses the absolutely unavailable because she is afraid? What a bad service I do myself.
When I was almost 30, I promised myself to put a distance between myself and my old dating habits. I will not allow myself to be afraid of being hurt, fully loved, or fully accepted. I'll be fine to jump in with both feet, open myself up to a man for the first time in a long time, and take the risk of getting hurt. Maybe I actually stick to it by writing it down and putting it in the blogosphere.
Or maybe I just stay at AT&T and call it a day.