You want to know how you can save your marriage by trying to save your marriage from divorce – and you seem to be kicking and sinking. You and your spouse have fierce fighting, and you feel that this is causing even more damage to your already shaky marriage.
Is it time to consult the divorce lawyer and end your marriage? Or would you like a guide on how to save your marriage?
Stop talking on the phone. Learn how fighting can actually save your marriage – and how you can overcome those harsh, emotionally charged arguments.
Leading Researcher Examines Marriage Conflict
Marriage counselors have spent years listening to couples molest each other on a range of marital and personal issues, from affairs to hobbies and dishwashers. We have also seen couples on television making their way to the divorce court, where the couple can now use the law as a weapon for their further struggle.
We were conditioned to believe that fighting is not healthy. And depending on how you fight, it's not like that. – but it could be the key to saving your marriage.
Many couples know in the midst of heated arguments that they are on shaky ground and could expect a divorce that none of their spouses would want. If you were in this situation, you know what that feels like: you fear what happens – the contempt and anger that you bring each other – and yet you feel powerless to stop it.
Leading marriage researcher John Gottman has investigated why marriages are either successful or ultimately fail. He was a brave witness to interactions between husbands and wives, no doubt an unpleasant experience when couples got into each other. He traced these couples over the years to see how their marriages evolved.
The results of his work pointed to some specific indicators of marriage on the verge of collapse, as opposed to a marriage that makes it. An important finding was that there are no conflicts that make marriage a failure. So we solve the inevitable conflicts that will arise in a marriage. In particular, it does not matter whether you fight or not, but whether your interactions between the negative and the positive spectrum are balanced.
There is not a single answer to how you can fix your marriage. We are talking about complex human interactions with all the nuances of emotion, personality and circumstances to influence that interaction.
However, there are some guidelines that should help you and your spouse constructively settle disputes rather than tearing, hearing, understanding, and confirming the marital tie in your individual aspirations.
Are heated arguments signaling the end of marriage?
Just because you and your spouse have fierce clashes does not mean that you're being brought before a divorce court. On the contrary, this may be your style of communication. Some couples are knocking off while others avoid conflict altogether. This fits your individual situation and personality.
There are techniques to fight cleaner and more constructive than you and your spouse are currently doing. There should be some basic rules so that you and your spouse do not harm each other as you make an effort to express your feelings and thoughts, and then struggle to save your marriage when things have reached the breaking point. Here are three guidelines to follow:
Guideline 1: Set Time / Place aside for Discussion
If you consider the time you spend discussing issues with your partner to be important, you and your spouse create a different atmosphere than if you happen to jump into a hot topic. When you set a time and place for the call, you both feel prepared and can set a different tone for the call that you may not receive if the call is spontaneous.
For example, suppose your spouse mentions a hot-button problem five minutes after you get in from work. They are tired, hungry – and just had a terrible commuter traffic. How will this affect your response to your spouse's statements?
Guideline No. 2: Advance Announcement of Discussion
If you and your permanent spouse are back in the discussion ring, it may be time to try this policy. Just as you set time and place for a conversation, both of you can feel better prepared for what you talked about in advance.
Many discussions and disputes run into a stalemate because one or both partners are cornered by the topic in question or even feel that they are diversified. This can lead to a defensive response as this partner reacts to "protect" itself and the other partner responds in-kind. If there is an advance notice – especially on a potentially hot topic or a hot-button issue – both partners have an expectation that they will not feel unprepared.
Guideline # 3: Is There a Retreat Plan?
You may have been in a situation where you had a conversation with your spouse. It gets hot, then overheats – and then reaches the boiling point. You know it's happening, your spouse knows it's happening, but both of you are holding on to your weapons and trying to prove your point.
If you agree to take a break before things reach a boiling point, you will find that your discussions and conflicts are handled better. The last thing you want to do when trying to resolve conflicts is to ignite the flames and create harsh feelings, as this inevitably adds to the potential for conflict and needs to be addressed in a future discussion – to increase conflict needs ,
You and your spouse should strive to resolve your conflict before it manages you. The marriage conflict is not bad in and of itself: it depends on how it is dealt with. I'll do my best to help you and your spouse to resolve conflicts and rebuild your marriage.